my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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