You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
