your parents love me but you hate me
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
