I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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