no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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