I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
