opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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