we're chasing vodka with high fives
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
