Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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