What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
