My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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