I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
