Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
