how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
