man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
