I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize