threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
