I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
