This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
