Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
