I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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