Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
