suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
