I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
