I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
