I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
