either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize