He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
