yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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