Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
