the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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