woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
