We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
