Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
