Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
