At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
