He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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