im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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