then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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