Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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