Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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