I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize