i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize