I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
