ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
