I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
