The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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