there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
