ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
