Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
