You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
