Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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