Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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