Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
