I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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