I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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