at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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