he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
