y did u give ur computer a hand job?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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