I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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