my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Holy shit dude........stairs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
